Harry first came to our attention last summer via social work. He was residing in a home in Edinburgh where they were struggling to manage his level of stress while maintaining his independence. As a result, Harry had become difficult to care for and refused all help.  He was also absconding from the home regularly and displaying distressed reactions towards staff and fellow service users. Harry had no awareness of his own wellbeing or safety and in his own words believed everyone was ‘out to get him’ he just wanted to go home to his flat in Edinburgh and to see his friends at his local pub.

Harry had a history of alcohol abuse and suffered from poor mental health as well as his dementia diagnosis. As a team at the home we reviewed his needs and visited him at the home in Edinburgh. From this we felt that if we planned his care prior to admission, included him in his care planning and let him set his own realistic goals we could meet Harry's needs and improve his quality of life.

When preparing for his admission we used the issues that arose in his current home to prepare a safe and comforting environment for him. We also made sure all staff members were aware of Harry, his needs and our plans to encourage self-help. All staff in all departments played a huge part in Harry's care and in the improvement of his mood, care and general quality of life.

To care for Harry we had to get to know Harry.  He was allocated a key worker and named nurse, however everyone helped to bring Harry out of his shell. We found out about his life, his jobs, what made him happy and eventually he opened up about what made him sad and we began to get to the route of his problems.

Kitchen staff worked hard to include him in his meal choices to promote a regular varied diet. We saw his weight increase and he began to come out of his room and socialise at meal times. Housekeepers included him in cleaning his room as he would often leave his room in a very poor state.  Over time he began to take pride in his room and environment. He became close with staff and as he saw it, we were now his friends. We assisted with all his care needs when he first arrived as he did not want to look after himself. After encouragement, prompting and TLC, Harry began to shave himself, then shower himself, he put clean clothes on himself and cleaned his teeth. Before Harry became unwell he was primarily self-caring.

Harry was a very happy, caring and empathetic man who had lost his way slightly. Harry's dementia, mental health and alcohol issues were being treated but Harry the person had been forgotten. Our main goal when caring for him was not only to ensure he was healthy and comfortable, but also to meet Harry's own goals and outcomes. He wanted a pint in the pub, a cigarette, a Mars bar and a glass of cola at night amongst other day-to-day basic items. With every positive step Harry made with us we would help him meet one of these goals. We discussed why there were limitations for him, helped him to understand and included him how we would work around these.

We understood what he missed from his life and tried to incorporate it into his new life. He looked at Broxburn Care Home as his home and staff as his family and friends. We endeavoured to meet his everyday relationship and home comforts that he clearly craved.

Harry sadly became unwell and passed away, however while he was at Broxburn we strived to give him a good quality of life and believed that we did. He had his good days and bad days as we all do but during his year here he went for pints with staff and his son, regularly walked with staff to the shops, had a visit to Edinburgh and attended church. He became self-aware, happy and valued that he had met a lot of his own goals and we all still miss his happy face and silly jokes.

Ordinary life is extraordinarily precious when someone we love is in a care home. It’s the little things that make life sweet for people in care homes, families and friends.

When Mum went into a lovely care home, we were both exhausted. I had stopped being a daughter and become a carer; ever on duty, an unpaid care-worker. The move was a relief. Mum is well cared for and happy and I was involved from the start in discussing her care and our family chose things for her room. It was wonderful to watch Mum make friends and build relationships with staff, she began to feel at home.

I’d got my Mum back, plus over the years I’ve acquired a host of other residents as honorary relatives. I was no longer Mum’s carer, I was her daughter and Mum was smiling and happy. When you love someone with dementia, that sense of getting the person back is very special.

My current caring role is less physical and more emotional and social. I do the family phone calls; birthday cards, photos and videos; I keep alive and share old and new family stories and songs. We’ve created a new way of being a family and new memories.

The care home staff have been critical. At the heart is an open and honest relationship. I can share (almost) any concerns and they will tell me almost immediately if Mum falls or gets ill. I can visit any time.

Little things help us retain and create a new sense of ordinary family life. I buy Mum’s clothes and arrange regular family chats and share photos. I visit at coffee time - my family does nothing without a cup of tea. When the family comes down, the manager gives us a big room and enough tea and biscuits to refresh an army. These are precious family times, when we are just ordinary people.

Caring is for life, it doesn’t start when we call ourselves a carer or end when someone we love goes into a care home or dies. Going into a care home can make it really hard to maintain a sense of connection to family and ordinary life. What makes it work? Care home staff involve me, we have an honest relationship, we talk. I trust them and Mum feels at home and is clearly happy because the staff show her they care.

The home enables us to keep doing the simple family things we have always done and show our love and mutual support in many small ways. At the biannual review we focus on our common cause - Mum’s health and happiness.

If everyone in a care home is to have a positive experience, we need a culture and practice which value relationships equally with physical care. We need to understand that relationships can be damaged by how care is delivered and transitions managed. Our relationships are precious and last beyond our lifetimes, we need to care for them.