When I was at school my English teacher brought many poets to come and read to us. I probably didn’t appreciate then just how lucky I was. I do now. I can remember many and have forgotten more. But one I will never forget because he spoke in the timbre of my own first tongue with a rhythm I related to and a language I felt inside me was Norman MacCaig.

He wrote:

Aunt Julia spoke Gaelic
very loud and very fast.
I could not answer her —
I could not understand her.

She wore men’s boots
when she wore any.
— I can see her strong foot,
stained with peat,
paddling with the treadle of the spinningwheel
while her right hand drew yarn
marvellously out of the air.

Hers was the only house
where I’ve lain at night
in the absolute darkness
of a box bed, listening to
crickets being friendly.

She was buckets
and water flouncing into them.
She was winds pouring wetly
round house-ends.
She was brown eggs, black skirts
and a keeper of threepennybits
in a teapot.

Aunt Julia spoke Gaelic
very loud and very fast.
By the time I had learned
a little, she lay
silenced in the absolute black
of a sandy grave
at Luskentyre. But I hear her still, welcoming me
with a seagull’s voice
across a hundred yards
of peatscrapes and lazybeds
and getting angry, getting angry
with so many questions unanswered.

Norman MacCaig’s ‘Aunt Julia’ is now one of the poems taught in Scottish schools as part of the exam curriculum. I’ve always loved it. Aunt Julia lived on Scalpay on a croft not unlike that of my own family on Skye. She only spoke Gaelic and no English. Again, something that resonates with me as I only learnt to speak English ‘properly’ after I was five. She reminds me of my Aunt Effie in black boots and black skirt, whose apron painted a canvas of egg stain, peat and flour. Even though they could not share a language MacCaig adored his aunt, as I did mine. In words of poignant regret, it was only after her death that MacCaig learnt enough Gaelic to have been able to communicate with her. Now she is absent, his questions lie unvoiced and unheard. There is a separation that nothing can bridge. So many questions unanswered and he is angry.

To be absent from the hands that caressed you every day of your life; to be invisible to the face that woke your dawn with a smile; to be silent to the lilt of voice that spoke as music in your ears; to be distant from the touch that cradled your pain and held your laughter … that is separation.

To be separate from those we love and those whose bone has become the very marrow of our being is an ache which can never be put into words or remedied with any solace. If one has power over it happening, it can only be a conscious and deliberate action if it is for the protection of that very love whose absence creates ache and tear.

This week I want to write about separation.

Getting the balance right between keeping people safe from a pernicious virus and enabling individuals to be restored to the fullness of relatedness was never going to be an easy task. I have been reflecting on whether or not we have got this balance right in the last week partly because of a mounting unease within me and partly because of the tear-inducing correspondence I have been receiving, I have read so many Guidance documents and suggestions from across the world about how it is possible and what steps have been taken to restore a balanced safe normal to older people’s residential care including this week taking part in an international conversation.

I have written before that I think the early measures taken to exclude visitors and shut down our care homes were entirely legitimate and proportionate because the threat of the virus to life was self-evident. It was not an easy thing to do but restricting people’s human rights was acceptable and the right thing to do at the time. As we began to understand the danger of asymptomatic transmission, as a nation we have escalated testing of staff to the level it is now, and we have used PPE, especially masks, to the level we now do. As a result, and because of the wider actions of others in lockdown we have significantly diminished the impact of the virus though as witnessed in the last few days the virus is still present and can tragically still take life in care homes and community.

Last Thursday was the 25^th week since the start of lockdown. In the last few weeks we have introduced visiting outdoors and then extended it, started visits indoors and on Thursday there was an announcement about the return of visiting professionals and the greater use of communal space.

But 25 weeks on it is still the case that thousands have not been able to meet up because of the restriction on numbers and the capacity of care homes to staff and supervise visits, because of the Scottish weather and more recently because of local lockdowns and decisions to close care homes to visitors.

There is now a growing anger in the wider care home community about the proportionality of many of the restrictions which in the initial Guidance seemed appropriate. People are weary of being separated and they are struggling to see the justification for what they perceive to be a disproportionate removal of the rights of those in care homes. I have reflected elsewhere about how we have failed to adequately hear the voice of residents and are increasingly, I am afraid, diminishing the human rights of citizens with capacity who happen to reside in a care home by failing to allow them to take decision and action in an autonomous way.

If some form of separation is necessary for protection then the way in which we do it simply has to change.

We have to get better at including and involving families not just to help them understand what Guidance says but to take control and co-write that Guidance so that they are more in control of decisions. Family members are not visitors into the lives of their loved ones they have the right to do be present (with consent) and no-one should diminish that right over such a long period of time without the most profound justification. Clinical paternalism, public health risk aversion or political caution have their place but we must also find a space for the exercising of the rights of residents with capacity to knowingly take control of their decisions and the risks they wish to take providing others are protected. We are witnessing on a daily basis that people are switching off their lives having decided that there is no point in living in this twilight existence of separation and absence. The distressing effects on the mental health and wellbeing of residents and family members alike is  a scandalous trauma.

We have to become more proportionate in the rules and requirements we make. I have yet to see any clinical or scientific reason why a family member wearing appropriate PPE cannot sit alongside their loved ones and hold their hand or stroke their face or feed them their meal. We have to encourage protected touch rather than strip physicality away from encounter.

We have to banish the distance of togetherness by removing the 2-metre distance requirement when people wear appropriate PPE. If a professional carer can be close then why can family not do the same?

We have to get to a stage where we prioritise the new faster tests that are being developed for family members seeing them as critical and essential key workers in the lives of their loved ones.

We have to extend the time that family can be together and get to the stage where there is more control for individuals.

We have to restore privacy to individuals so that they can meet and be together without supervision or oversight. Care homes are not prisons nor are care staff wardens for the behaviour of others.

We have to allow people to go out in the community and not expect them to isolate themselves for fourteen days when they come back to their own home. Which one of us would go out to the shops or for a meal and then imprison ourselves for fourteen days?

There is, I believe, much more that we can and must do. It is clear that we will be living with the pain of separation for some time. We can lessen that pain by ensuring that the times of togetherness are as normal and as natural as they can be. At the moment I fear we have simply created an abnormal new normal.

Donald Macaskill

 

 

In life if we are lucky we are sometimes fortunate in meeting people whose words and insights resonate with our own. For me one such individual was the Irish poet and philosopher John O’Donohue who I had the good fortune to hear and meet on a number of occasions. His words both in prose and poetry speak to me with an insightfulness on the subjects which matter most in my life and with a wisdom which few have equalled since. In particular O’Donohue in his writings on grief and dying seems to reach deep into the truth of the universe. In ‘For Grief’ he writes:

“When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.”

Tomorrow is National Grief Awareness Day. It is also the day when I will remember the 10^th anniversary of the death of someone very special in my life and to those I love. It is a day when I will reflect on my own memory and silence. A day when rushing into my heart will be all those words unsaid to all those absent from my living but not my loving. So, I hope you will forgive me if I reflect today on grief in these strange times because it has been much on my mind this week and it is something which is troubling me more and more. This is the case because virtually every day this past week I have received two or three heart-rending emails from family members of people who are living in care homes under continued restriction. We grieve not only for those who have died but sometimes for those who are living.

Over the years as I have grown to know more about dementia both professionally and personally I have understood the aching truth that even before the death of a loved one we start the walk of grief, that we acclimatise ourselves to the increasing fragments of connection as the disease turns our beloved into a shadow of themselves. It is not that we ‘lose’ the person and give up on them. They are still there, locked inside the shell of flesh which imprisons their smile and happiness. We still want to be present to re-connect, to mirror memory and to soothe distress. We never give up on the yearning and hope for that spark of the old and familiar. People have described these feelings as a waking death – witnessing our loved one slowly slip away from the grasp of your togetherness. And in such times we prepare for the parting; for the time without, for the emptiness and the ‘silence of absence’.

The peculiar sadness of these days is that because of the ravages of Covid there are countless hundreds who are not able to be close with those they love, who are shut out on the other side of doors and windows, waving at their loved ones, shouting across two metres unable to be heard and to be understood. This is heart-breaking to endure and hard to witness and watch. The sheer agony and pain I have read and heard in the weeks that have passed has changed all of us and yet I despair at the casual behaviour of others routinely returning to ‘business as usual’ without recognising the silent pain happening in our midst.

It is not that people, from clinicians to carers, from politicians to policy makers, are not sensitive to the hurt. We are all trying to feel our away through this unknown to get the balance right between protecting people and keeping them safe and restoring the relationships which are intrinsic to who we are as human beings. Personally I am convinced we must find better ways in which we can increase that togetherness, where families are not allocated slots of time to enable their love to be shown; where through the use of testing and PPE we allow people to be held, to hug and to feel love through their touch one with the other. Our detached observance of our mutual love cannot remain as the new model of our being with one another. For so many the aloneness of grief is being felt now as lives slip slowly through their fingers, as loved ones change in sight of but beyond family comfort. This is a grief made real.

But as I think about our National Day of Grief tomorrow I am also mindful not just of the pain in our care homes but the real sense of emptiness being felt by many thousands across Scotland at the present time. Yet so few are talking about this hurt – it is almost as if it is too painful for our society to talk openly about what and who we have lost.

Yet again in the past week I have heard and spoken to those doing amazing work to support others through their bereavement – this time the remarkable Macmillan supported bereavement project and work at Glasgow Royal Infirmary. Bereavement support and services have always been delivered in a patchwork manner across Scotland with some astonishing work being undertaken by a range of organisations. As a society we have through Covid experienced real change and trauma and I think that urgently we need to prioritise the funding and mainstreaming of bereavement support so that it is embedded as a strategic priority for and part of who we are as a community. Sadly, not everyone can do the work of grief on their own, some of us need support to put together again the broken pieces of our heart. We need to get better as communities in ensuring that such support is there for individuals. Becoming more confident about talking about death and dying might just be one of the legacies of the pandemic age we are living in, but such articulacy must also be accompanied by a societal willingness from political leadership down to local communities to resource and prioritise the provision of bereavement care and support.

O’Donohue speaks of the way in which with time, care and compassion, after being held by others we come to live with our grief:

“Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.” 

I hope on National Grief Awareness Day more and more of us will be able to wean our eyes ‘from the gap in the air’, but we also need collectively to remember, support and be present for those whose pain is raw and real and whose tears are still wet. We need to own the anger and hurt before we can change and move on. Grief is something we work at and do – it is as hard a labour as we will ever encounter but ignoring the pain will just serve to deepen the emptiness. Part of that work in the coming weeks as we move into winter planning is I am convinced the need to work collectively to reconnect people in care homes and communities, to rebuild the bonds between young and old, son and daughter, lover and beloved.

I leave you with words which remind me of all those whose lives will never be the same again:

 

Nobody ever told me.

Nobody ever told me

it would be this hard;

that I’d wake up in the morning

and think that you were there

lying beside me in our bed;

that I’d walk down the street

and recognise your shadow

following me in the sun;

that I’d listen to the radio

and hear your voice

inviting me to sing;

that I’d sit in the park

and watch you go by

in a group of strangers.

 

Nobody ever told me

it would be this hard;

that I’d wonder why I should

get up in the morning;

that I’d think making plans

was a children’s playground game;

that I’d rage with anger, red and raw,

at your leaving;

that I’d wonder was it me

who did something

that made you go away.

 

Nobody ever told me

it would be this hard.

 

Why can’t someone tell me instead

how I can stop crying

and dam the tears from soaking my pillow?

How I can start again when all I want to do

is rest in our lost togetherness?

How I can ‘move on’ when I only want to settle

in the place of our memories?

 

And please someone tell me

when will this time come,

the time they all talk of

in easy careless cliche,

the time which they say

will heal all things

and help me to live again?